Good morning. For those of you who are joining us today, I want to call your attention to this meditation on impermanence that's in the back of this magazine. I'll put it in on the kitchen counter. You can look at it. We talked about it a little bit yesterday. I want to talk this morning about an aspect of the path we're all on. That's an aspect I think we don't talk about very often, but which has come up for me quite powerfully this weekend. coming up, finally showed its face, if you will, this weekend.

[01:05]

I think there's a way in which the teachings of the Buddha and the implications of what one must do to really go for it, really practice, is that it's a very radical teaching. This notion that we cultivate our capacity to show up, be present, bring awareness to whatever arises. You know, we say, oh, okay, I can do that. But wait until it's some dark, moldy fact of our mindstream which we've lived with so long that, you know, it's the... Sometimes we talk about, can a fish describe water? Can we describe the water we swim in? What is these days more and more talked about as our shadow material.

[02:10]

We so go for the light, but avoid the shadow and... As I said a day or two ago, you know, we love having the sun out, Do we notice that if the sun is out, there's a shadow? Whatever the sun shines on, certain times of the day, depending on the relationship between the rays of light from the sun, a shadow is cast. It's just how it is. It goes with the scenery, if you will. This radicalness of Buddhist practice has come up for me in the context of having a good friend. Because, of course, there's a way in which we can, as friends for each other, and if we're lucky, we can have such a friend who will speak the truth about what he or she sees as a way of helping us not turn away from ourselves.

[03:20]

And of course, we have to be ready for that kind of friendship. Because if we're not ready, we turn away or we say, oh, that person's full of it. We have some aversion. We're busy noticing whatever their stuff is. So I have a real appreciation this morning about how much the process that I'm wanting to describe this morning depends upon each of us being willing to see what is so. And that that can be very difficult and sometimes frightening and in a way unnerving. As I think some of you know, a few weeks ago, a group of us organized a conference which took place a couple of weeks ago, I don't know, a few weeks ago, the beginning of September.

[04:48]

And 115 teachers from all over North America plus Somebody came from Australia and somebody came from Dharamsala. It wasn't just North America. But the common factor was that we are all teachers in the Buddhist tradition and that we're all Westerners. Two people came from Taiwan. Not entirely sure they're glad they came. So we had a gathering, teachers from the Tibetan tradition, teachers from the Zen tradition, and teachers from the Vipassana or Theravadan tradition, which is in itself pretty unusual. The gathering was a very real mixture for me of some experiences that I'm deeply grateful for and some experiences that were

[05:51]

the proverbial pain in the neck. It's of course the pain in the neck ones that I'm looking at. One of the things that came up for me was getting to see once again the place where in my own life I go to sleep. something arises and just in that moment of opportunity to stay awake, I go to sleep or get a little dull. So what is it that is dulling? Habit, fear, tenacious patterns of the mind. for me the exquisite and troubling pattern of wanting someone somewhere to be perfect, wanting some Dharma group somewhere to be wholesome and sound in every regard.

[07:01]

So one of the things that happened for me after the conference when I could begin to digest and look at some of my experience during this week that was very intense and rich, very rich, was a kind of amazement and real, not anger exactly, but kind of amazement and dismay. Oh my goodness, there it is, I've done it again. One of the great blessings from this conference is that I feel like I made some some true friends in the Dharma, and that I have the chance to have some company and be in some relationships where there's a kind of feedback system, which for those of us who sit in the teaching seat is not so easy to have, unless one really intends to have it, and even then it's not so easy.

[08:11]

Of course, we all need that. But I've been struck, what really came up for me this weekend is how much following this path of practice and awakening is about being willing to give up everything. Literally, being willing to give up all of the security and perks that we come to cherish in our lives, the so-called eight worldly concerns. Fame and praise are right up there at the top of the list. Over and over again, when I look at people that I know well who seem to have gotten stuck, what I see is getting caught by wanting security, wanting comfort, wanting fame and power, wanting to be somebody.

[09:35]

Now, of course, I think that there is a very important aspect in the beginning stages, the foundational stages of cultivating this inner life that's about really radical commitment to showing up and staying awake, is that we need to find some stability and cultivate confidence. Because, of course, When we get to these points in our lives where we are asked, we ask ourselves, the very nature of the practice, practices that we're doing, ask of us to be willing to go for broke, to just jump off. You know, there's this koan in Zen about being at the top of the flagpole and just jumping off. It's really, it's not a metaphor. It's just, it's not a metaphor.

[10:44]

Diving, yeah. Last week, Bill and Hillary and I went to hear Maurice Sendak, who's one of my heroes. And he talked a lot about certain Artists diving, just diving. Not knowing what they're diving into, kind of going for broke. Committed to the process, not knowing at all if it's going to be shallow water or deep water. Will there be rocks? Will you crack your head open? Will you die? Whatever pushes us is going to teach us about this diving business, this jumping off.

[11:46]

In recent years, I've focused a lot on practices that have to do with transformation. And what I'm looking at right now is the practice of cutting. There are times when what we need to do is have a very sharp cleaver or, Bill suggested, a guillotine. And of course, knowing when that's appropriate takes experience and wisdom and, I would argue, some friendship. And I feel this morning very grateful to have met a friend who is willing to speak clearly and truthfully at the same time that he reveals himself.

[13:03]

So it's not just this kind of one-way street. Real company in going for broke. Quite a treasure. I sometimes wonder about how much I emphasize, in a way I teach, that aspect of what we're doing that has to do with generosity, kindness, gentleness, not forcing, ease. And I don't in any way doubt the necessity for that ground. But I also feel compelled this morning to say that it is also true that we need to be courageous and that at some points in our spiritual practice we may feel literally sick to our stomachs.

[14:19]

It may not be fun. I mean, you can count on it, but it won't be. And I'm not saying what I'm saying out of any interest in scaring anybody. I just want to try to keep our description of what we're about a little balanced. Yesterday, somebody was talking about these statements that are so much a part of our culture and conditioning that we don't even listen to them. The statement that came up in our discussion yesterday, I guess it was during the seminar, was the one about coming to your senses.

[15:28]

It was sometime yesterday. The one that's come up for me this morning is fish or cut bait. What happens when I fished in a pond for 20 or 30 years and I finally have to realize there are no fish in that pond, at least not for me? So there are times when what we are called upon to do means to be so committed to being awake, to showing up, to bringing full awareness to what is so, that everything in us says, oh no, not that. Yep.

[16:31]

So I think that the ground of generosity and kindness and consideration the ground of virtue or morality the ground of patience is all absolutely necessary to be able to Keep letting go of whatever it is we get caught by wanting to hold on to. Wanting to be somebody. Wanting to be going somewhere. Wanting to get enlightened. Wanting to be a hot dog. I hope that attending to the mark of impermanence, as we have been doing yesterday and are doing today, may bring each of us to a place that's true, that is actually so, in the challenging sense that I'm bringing up

[18:15]

He can't go out there, he'll just get into trouble. Fred? Do you get what I'm hinting at or suggesting? That this is not a bed of roses? This path is not about being comfortable? Although, of course, there is the possibility of a kind of comfort called liberation. There is a kind of joy, very real joy, that comes from being liberated from the prisons, the various prisons we make for ourselves.

[19:21]

But that process of liberating ourselves from whatever is the particular prison that each of us fashions, and we do fashion very particular prisons for ourselves, called what's familiar, what we know. In many cases, what we learn, what we know, literally with our mother's milk, But it isn't the kind of bed of roses, if you will, that we think about when we're a little sleepy or deluded. Some years ago, let me just preface this by saying that I would say that for a substantial part of my life,

[20:23]

I have experienced myself as someone essentially very fearful. And I remember, I think it was just almost exactly ten years ago, discovering that I could act with courage, that I could have some experience of courage simultaneously with being quite frightened. That the one didn't necessarily mean the absence of the other. That was real news. So you know the kind of showing up that we've explored and practiced with the meditation on the transformation of anger in the first step of radical presence with what is arising in the moment is an act of courage, I would say.

[21:33]

And it has nothing to do with somebody out there saying, oh, look at her, isn't she doing a heroic thing? Let's give her a button or a medal or say she's something or other. promoter to some high visible physician. In fact, I would argue that such things are very dangerous if we're really committed to this radical path of being present with whatever is so. It's part of what makes the institutionalizing of spiritual practice very tricky because we can so easily as a group collude together into trying to cook things up for each other, for ourselves, being somebody. So part of what is up for me this morning is appreciating our little group here, this little

[22:47]

ragtag band of us who show up with each other in various ways with, you know, there's not much visible. There's no big flag out there on the road. Who would ever think anything is happening at some place called Goat in the Road? And there is a kind of possibility, a kind of freedom to do some exploring in the anonymousness that we have, which I really treasure. I treasure very much that we come together periodically and can practice together. Anyway, but that's what I wanted to bring up for our noticing this morning. You know, sometimes I think about Dharma practices being the cultivation of a kind of, you know, being accident-prone.

[23:58]

If we just keep showing up in a certain way, we may be in the right moment, right place, where certain kinds of fortuitous accidents happen. And I think that having the kind of friend that I'm talking about, is like a kind of accident. It feels like very good luck. Very good luck. Certainly not anything I made happen. You know, there are, of course, always causes and conditions. But there's still also, you know, it's just over and over again, we would like a good friend. And maybe we'll have one and maybe we won't. Can each of us be our own good friend, but also be willing to receive that kind of friendship, which maybe feels a little bit like being on the receiving end of some laser beam.

[25:04]

Some years ago, someone I knew had been practicing for a long time, Someone I subsequently discovered was, for me anyway, a pretty dangerous person. And at a certain point, we had an exchange at the door of my house. I lived on the top flat of a three-flat building at the time. This person, along with some other people, was visiting and began to act in a way that was bizarre and dangerous. So I threw him out of the house. And as he went out of the house, he picked up a Vajra, the thunderbolt. It's right behind Jane's head on the altar there. Three of them. The representation of the masculine aspect and of compassion. Anyway, he picked one of these, the Vajra, up off of the altar.

[26:14]

And as he went out, as I hurled him out, actually threw him out of the house. He went down the stairs to the first landing and turned around and hurled this thing at me. You know, it was about this big, made of metal, could have done some damage. And it was like in that moment, everything was in slow motion. And I saw the Vajra coming towards me, but it was moving very slowly. And I just went forward like this and caught it. It was like, it actually just, it came to my hand. I didn't catch it, it came to my hand. I just had my hand in the right place at that moment. Terrified, and he ran down the stairs. And I was sort of stunned. I thought, wow, what just happened?

[27:17]

So what I experienced with a quite remarkable conversation with my friend who was visiting this weekend was that he threw the Vajra at me also, only not out of anger or wanting to hurt me, but out of some kindness and friendship and in the spirit of awakening. and I had this sense of a kind of slow motion in which this diamond thunderbolt arrived coming through the air again, slow enough so that I was able to catch it in my hand. When someone can speak from a place of compassion and wisdom That's the kind of contact that's possible to make with another being.

[28:32]

The packaging is not what most of us are used to looking for in our kind of cushioned, padded, sanitized, perfumed world. You know, if you eat at McDonald's often enough after a while, salty, high-fat food tastes good. And you don't know what to do with a dish of freshly picked, barely cooked, unseasoned vegetables. So it takes a while to clean our palate so that we can actually taste what is nourishing. So anybody have anything you want to bring up?

[29:44]

thinking about the limit of my beings. And what's basic for me is the consideration of leading upon severing my connection. my walk, all ponds in which I swim, and with which I am habituated in relationships. It seems to me getting out of the pond is a But before that can happen, I have to see the deep and essential pattern.

[31:30]

I have to be able to describe accurately that template relationship which I keep going for, which becomes a kind of magnet. Before I can change that relationship, I have to see that template patterning. It's not what I'm describing. It's not what I'm experiencing and that I'm trying to find a way to describe. But that's why we talk about practice. That's why we talk about practicing showing up for what is difficult, practicing for showing up for the discomfort in my feet or legs as a way of beginning to cultivate a different way of being with that which is frightening or uncomfortable or smells or, you know, whatever.

[33:03]

I know from the anger transformation meditation I'm struck by how quickly I went to wanting to preserve a relationship with the poem, even some imagined transformed relationship. But it's so fast in the way from the first step to just looking at what actually means. I think that's right. And also that you do criticism coming at me about getting this kind of no later experience.

[34:16]

I'm not quite sure how to describe shifting relationships, but part of it has been in the comparison of this expansiveness to the judgment and criticism, there's been an abyss in that. And I have an experience of what it felt like And then some insight into how I do that to myself and inform self-criticism all the time, but it's something for sure that I don't know. Or its effect, I would bet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also, how then my criticism and judgment going out is perceived by somebody else.

[36:00]

I also think that what you're describing, Betty, is exactly what keeps us from being able to see clearly in the way that I've been talking about. So there's this additional trouble from judging and criticizing. It's this kind of atmospheric fog or blurring. And I was able earlier in the week, when I was really aiming a lot of criticism at myself, to step back a little bit and begin to see what some of the effect of that was.

[37:18]

How it affected me physically, how it affected my posture, how it affected my ability to be connected to somebody else, and to think clearly So your words were really appropriate. Pam? Thank you for speaking so powerfully and so cogently. You give me courage to endure my fear. as I seek to change dimension, that we both can be present at the same time. And I also like... I'm thinking very much about your use of the words compassion and wisdom.

[38:31]

It's so easy, it seems to me, to jump out of the pond onto dry land, just to jump. and so that thinking about evaluating when it's appropriate. And I need to express my gratitude again for the teaching, for the help along the path, because it seems to me that whatever pain one might endure along the path, again, the term comes to mind, is arrogance, that was there before, is so much worse. And so when I think about that again, I think of courage. Because no matter how painful I'm thinking the path might be, the path was painful in a very blind way. And I'm also thinking of the times that I've made changes, of the times that I've left in my own way.

[39:38]

done what I thought had to be done, no matter what. At one point, even the security, the financial security of my children, which was important to me. The result was always better. Looking back, the the quality of my life, even when I did crash at times, overall the quality, the growth was there. So I want to thank you again for reminding me how important it is to jump sometimes. Well, you know, the kind of jumping I'm talking about is not jumping out in a funny way as much as it is jumping in, in the sense that I think that we all have some pattern, some... I suppose from some point of view we could say some story, but it's really a pattern which has a magnetism, has a kind of magnetic force field about it that we keep going back to over and [...] over again.

[40:57]

And what I'm talking about is the point in our lives where we can begin to bear to look into the matter. And that at that point, what we may have to do may feel like giving up or turning away from everything in our lives we thought was important to us. That there comes a point in service of really seeing things as they are, that is actually very radical. And the radicalness is actually described quite often and clearly in all these Zen stories, which are hard to figure out on almost any count, except that, you know, you get this idea that it's about going for broke. It's certainly not about a guaranteed security death do us part, or whatever.

[42:02]

And, you know, whatever our magnetic field is, it's so much so familiar that we just keep going for it, you know. And I can see this in other people's lives, but what about in my own, you know? I mean, I'm in a situation right now where I can see a situation that involves two people, If they had been in a room with a thousand other people, these two people would have found each other because they had such a perfect match in their respective force fields to recreate the patterns of misery that they knew so well. You know, and you start, what is it? There's a magnet and metal filings, and at what point do you sort of have this effect? Well, and then every time that happens, you think, gee, this is familiar.

[43:06]

I think I've been here before. And you keep not quite seeing what the elements are. You can't even describe the pattern quite accurately. That's where a good friend is invaluable. Because from outside we see each other's patterns of force field much more clearly than we see our own. It's where having a good friend or two is an incredible gift. Sometimes, you know, when somebody really gets kind of taste for Dharma practice and kind of goes for it, and I always feel like I should actually send them a condolence card. Because, of course, once you have the tiniest glimmer of what it's like to wake up, you can't ever forget that experience.

[44:15]

It's too late. Raina? Well, what comes up for me is cultivating the groundwork for Jantar. Yeah. With courage and beautifulness. The groundwork of virtue, goodwill, softening and compassion. And the process of cultivating that groundwork is very It's also slow. This is where the teachings about past and future lives is very comforting. Because, you know, sometimes it feels like this is going to take me a few lifetimes. It may. That's right. It may. That line in the Sando Kai that goes, both touching, it is like a great fire.

[45:24]

No, that's not quite right. It is like fire. Both touching and turning away are wrong. Getting too close? You know, for me, every time I think of that line now, I think of a big fire out on the beach. You get too close, so close you could touch it, you know, what happens? You get burned. You turn away, you're going to be cold. You're not going to enjoy the warmth of the fire. There is some constantly changing appropriate place that's not too close or too far away, that's not touching or turning away, is not grasping or aversion. And it means being continuously awake. And what I know about being awake in this moment isn't necessarily what I need to know in this moment, because it's constantly changing. Amelia?

[46:30]

When you find yourself kind of like up in the air and everything, we've got to ground ourselves and center ourselves and do some exercises, if you will, for strength and stability and cultivating of these various qualities so that we don't jump before we've got some muscle tone, some capacity. It's why we've got all these little mini excursions, you know. Why else would anybody sign up to sit still for a day? and hang out with being sleepy or having your legs hurt or whatever. It's a great opportunity to see the patterns of the mind that cloud and dilute us. So, you know, if you're feeling like you're kind of floating... No, I mean my body.

[47:35]

Yeah, I understand. I understand. And, you know, this is where I find the teachings of the Buddha enormously helpful. because the description about where we get caught, where we get lost, how forgetting is a kind of lost place, confusion or where am I is a kind of lost place, and how in that moment the only thing I can do is turn towards the detail of the experience of lostness or floating or confusion or where am I. I'm just blown away, completely amazed at the power of the cultivation of mindful awareness. Even when what I'm bringing awareness to is not thrilling me.

[48:38]

And how do you bring awareness to this condition that you're experiencing in your life? Are you doing it in general? or in particular, just this moment right now. I don't know about you, but I know for me, I confuse myself in those times with a certain story about who I am and how I am and what my suffering is. And I'm no longer awake, because I'm just listening to this story. And of course, there's a piece of the story that's extremely important to listen to, but there's a way in which the story gets to dull me about reaffirming over and over again who it is I think I am. You know, continually identifying with being somebody. A person who blah blah blah. So help me.

[49:39]

Well, this is where I find the teachings of Buddhism a big help because the Buddha really talks about where one might go, what kind of mind and capacity in our human life might we cultivate. But it's also completely practical description in terms of, okay, where do you take the first step? Because that, you know, that long-term view is the consequence of a series of particular steps. So what I'm hearing is that you take these little steps and you're really not going to have this long-term view, but it will actually be able to be there. No, I think you can cultivate a long-term view. I think it's why the practice of clear intention is so powerful. I can discover my long-term view by letting myself have a little short one, like for this morning, for the next period of sitting, for today.

[51:50]

And I can read stories and listen to people talk about their long-term views. I can listen to the Buddha about his long-term view and get some inspiration about some possibilities. But the bottom line is, can I go back to the process of letting myself have a doable view, if you will, for today? I don't know how to get that big view that's called the Bodhisattva vow. It never really came alive for me until I was around someone who was manifesting that vow. in practical everyday terms that I could actually see and understand this really is possible in this human life. But I still had to go back to, okay, but what is so for me today?

[52:53]

That's where, you know, the path that's outlined and the very practical kind of techniques, if you will, for practice that are outlined in terms of the the six perfections, is a very clear sequence of cultivations that become a set of intentions that have a very long-term implication. Oh, the first one is the perfection of generosity. But even that's too big for most of us, for starters. How can we be generous just in the way we walk by each other? How can I be generous with myself just in the way I place my foot on the floor and lift my foot?

[53:55]

Is there a way of cultivating generosity just in the way I'm in my posture as I'm sitting? Anyway, one of the consequences of sitting here and talking to each other here much longer is that we will have a late lunch. Well, the three treasures, as Charles Cook said, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Well, you know, a few weeks ago I found myself in a position of seeing myself with this yearning for someone to be doing it perfectly, some spiritual scene to be perfect.

[55:15]

And there's something different this time. It feels like I'm seeing more of the underbelly, the roots of the plant, with a lot of help. I'm just deeply grateful for what happens when someone is shining a flashlight on my roots, which I can't see. from where I am. This is why having those relationships in which there is the possibility of a kind of truth-telling, being able to bear hearing what another person can observe, I think is critical. Not fun, but critical. Twang.

[56:29]

OK, well, what I would like is two helpers and let's walk. Betty and Marsha.

[56:43]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ